TWD: Why Jadis Would Never Let Me Join The Garbage Pail Kids Gang

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I like to think I’d look like a badass in the zombie apocalypse. Toting around my crossbow and machete and clad mostly in black fitted clothes consisting of leather and various other textures. The boots would definitely have to be leather. Maybe I would start off that way. But as the months, and maybe years, went by I imagine I would have to scavenge for clothes. Mostly ill fitting clothes and most likely not always entirely fashionable outfits. Somehow The Walking Dead crew, (the girls especially), manage to find fashionable clothes in their size. This to me is probably the most miraculous bit of the post-apocalyptic world they inhabit. The new band of trash dump dwellers is fashionable in a “models in a post-apocalyptic world” sort of way. If I were in the Walking Dead world and stumbled upon their camp, I don’t think they’d let me in.

For starters, I may be too short for their liking and I’d fuck up the aesthetic they have going on. Most of them aren’t just tall, but everything about them is long. Long, lanky, wispy, waify. I’m a relatively lanky waif, so even if they deemed me tall enough to ride, my hair might be a deal breaker. Granted they look like a rough bunch, but the leader also looks like she is about to do a post-apocalyptic inspired Vogue spread for Vidal Sassoon. My hair requires heat styling and a whole lot of hair product to do anything other than stick up and out in at least five directions. Again, a huge aesthetic detriment to the group. Even if they forgave both of these shortcomings, the vocabulary of the group might be my undoing. So far nobody aside from the leader has spoken in anything more than monosyllabic quasi sentences. The leader who has spoken the most, but still very little, eliminates all prepositions, conjunctions and most other parts of speech from her already limited communication. Is it an act like King Ezekiel’s renaissance style of speech? Is she in fact playing a character? Do they speak so rarely that their vocabulary has deteriorated? Who does her hair? She could blunt cut it with a knife but would have to do it relatively frequently to keep those Sassoon bangs on point. Also, where does she get her dye? She has that “lot of roots, really grown out” look going on, and she’s making it work but for as long as the apocalypse has been going on, the line of dye-markation would by now be much further down on her head. Meaning she has to have dyed it since the apocalypse took hold. Perhaps she’s malnourished and her hair grows slow. A trait she once deemed a detriment in normal times, but now counts as a small blessing from the fashion gods.

Assuming I was allowed into Trashlandia in spite of my height and wild hair, assuming I was able to defeat the walker covered in spikes in a gladiator style arena match… the vocabulary would by far be the greatest issue of all. Either they would kick me out for speaking too much and for refusing to eliminate all major parts of speech from my vocabulary.. or I would pack a bag and sneak off in the dead of the night, driven partially to madness by the monosyllabic communication. I haven’t read the comics, so I don’t know for sure, but of course I have a few theories. The main one being: In the pre-apocalypse world these people were high fashion models from the same agency. They were doing a fashion show, a sort of Vidal Sassoon meets Mad Max kind of thing when the outbreak hit, and sought refuge together. Thus, Trashlandia was born.

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